Buy U A Drank: A drink (or gift) obligates a woman to what exactly?

[Posh]

So, an interesting situation occurred last night that left me reeling and confused. Also, a little angry. It was just bizarre but I thought I would get the opinion of the guys here because you may have been on the other side of this equation once.

Normally, I prefer cooking at home, especially now that I have a large kitchen in which to do it. I always would sooner eat at home than go to any restaurant. That's just the way I've been. That way I know what's in the food and can have whatever I want exactly how I want it. But when I decide I'm just not going to cook, I go to a handful of places. So, last night I had decided that I didn't want to cook. I told DH that I wanted to go out to eat and that we should get the people who lived across the hall from him to go with us. They both worked as lobbyists so they usually had tantalizing stories to tell! Fly on the wall and all that.

He asked me where I wanted to go and I said I wanted French. I have only two favorite French restaurants: Petite Louis in Roland Park, and Bistro La Bonne in Washington, D.C. I wasn't really wanting to deal with the more formal atmosphere of Louis so I suggested we take the drive to D.C. for Bonne's more "down home" vibe. It's really a great place! Luckily, our neighbors agreed if we drove and if we did that they'd buy. Since we were at the DH's house, it was nothing to jump on 95 and speed down there in time to eat and get home. LOL

When we got there, we sat in the upper level seating area, which is up a small flight of stairs, at table that was next to one just in front of a railing. I prefer sitting high up because you can kinda see everything and everyone. It was a little busier than I'd seen it the last time we'd been during mid-week and our server seemed like she was waiting on more tables than she really wanted or needed. They didn't look short handed but who knows, right? We had just ordered (I ordered the Magret de Canard au Cinq Epices and duck confit) and she kinda disappeared, which is a feat in this place. I knew I wouldn't get my champagne with any kind of promptness.

I like champagne A LOT and take every opportunity to drink it everywhere I go where it's offered or available with just about everything. I have a wine fridge stocked mostly with champagnes (some "sparkling wines" too) and we will drink at least one bottle a week. I truly believe that champagne is for any time, not just special occasions. Isn't every day you're alive and not broke a time for celebration? I think so!

I go downstairs to the bar, which is now full, to get a glass of Triolet. A very nice, or so I thought, very attractive slightly older man gets up out of his chair and offers it to me so I don't have to stand while waiting to speak to the bartender. I thank him and sit. Now, I know for a fact that when we arrived, he was not there so there was no way he saw me come in with anyone. While I waited, we spoke to each other, which isn't unusual at all. He quickly told me quite a bit about himself like that he was single, in town on business and the hotel recommended this place if he was looking for a place to eat that "was better than Ruby Tuesday." He also asked if I was alone. I told him I was NOT and that my fiance and my friends were upstairs and I would be going back up to him after getting my drink.

At that moment, he offered to buy me a drink and I graciously accepted because, I'll admit, I won't turn down a man who offers me a drink and I can see it being made! It's like a reflex. LOL He got the bartender to get me the champagne and had it placed on his tab. I got off the stool and thanked him again for the drink and turned to go back to my table. The next thing that happened was so surreal that it almost made just want to leave the restaurant.

He actually raised his voice, not enough to be heard by everyone in the lower level but enough to be heard by people at the bar on either side of us and the bartender, and said in half-jokingly and half-serious tone, "You're going to just bring your sexy self down here, take the drink I order you and go? You're not going to talk with me more?" That's verbatim. Everyone at the bar that heard it turned and looked at me and him, stunned. I was so embarrassed! I just stammered that I was sorry but I came with people and they would expect me back at this point, which is true. I offered to stay a little longer because at this point I felt terrible.

Now, I have no idea if he was drunk or buzzed or what. It just seemed like a weird thing for him to do and it threw me for a loop, with him just blurting that out for everyone to hear. I mean, it was my drink at that point because he GAVE it to me which means I can drink it with whomever I wanted where I wanted, right? Either way, I think it was beyond mean of him to say what he said. I thought the whole conversation prior to the him buying the drink should've covered the chat especially since I didn't come alone and had guests, not to mention my future husband, waiting on me. When I buy or give something to someone, I don't expect anything in return. You can't, really. That's a sure way to end up disappointed or, like this guy, peeved at someone. He could have purchased the drink and been happy for the conversation and left it at that. I don't recall signing any contract with that drink. I know he was mad but I wasn't rude at any point to him.


I'm not sure but there must be something in the air or something in the water. What do you guys think? Does buying something for someone obligate them to you? This is with anything. I'd be interested in your opinions on this.

[Jennerate]

whoa. that's crazy. well, it couldn't have been dominick strauss-kahn because you said he was attractive!

what did your boyfriend say?

[ryandh]

Wait a second.....


Dont you normally write in red font?

All joking aside, You definitely are not obligated to said douchebag in this situation. You told him you were engaged, and you came with friends. That right there should have been a stop sign for a guy just looking to score some for the night. Although the gesture of someone buying you a drink is nice, it should by no means make a woman feel obligated to give something in return. You should have threw it on him and said "Fine, have it back" haha thats what my fiance would have most likely done to that jacka$$

[chronoluvvv]

He may have paid for your drink but what he really wanted was your time

[daytonadragon]

Did he look like Bill Clinton or a Kennedy?

[Brobert]

"sexy self"

[Brobert]

Did he look like Bill Clinton or a Kennedy?

I ran into William Kennedy when I was at Northwestern. He was an M.D. at the rehab center and med school. The guy gave me the creeps.

[golem]

He thought he was being cool.

You had no reason to feel obligated for the very reasons you list.

He is fortunate that someone didn't take exception to his exclamation and provide him with a more lasting souvenir of his visit.

[houndoggie]

I am so sorry... That was YOU?

I was a little drunk, Ruby Tuesday bar kicked me out so I went to the Bistro.

Most gracious apologies.

[daytonadragon]

If it was not Bill Clinton or a Kennedy maybe he was SFA437 who died his hair gray to hit on younger woman posing as a honorable old gentleman (HOG) who drives a motorcycle and fancy cars.

[lofi]

his own fault for not doing the necessary research. he didnt even ask if you were waiting for someone or with anyone. pretty pretentious move on his part.

[collector26]

Clear reason why he is a "slightly older single man" on his way to "old single man"

[assasi9]

so let me get this straight, you go to a dinner with your fiance which you rarely do and upon seating and ordering he sends you downstairs to get your own drink at a busy bar? in my opinion the guy without manners in this scenario is seated at your table. and for future reference, as if you didn't know this, if you don't want any unwelcome advances don't accept drinks from men at a bar!

[TimemiT]

LOL....

1. girl shows up to the bar....subtlety projecting her sexiness...
2. older man falls for trap to hit up a conversation...
3. older man offers to buy a drink.....sucker as always
4. girl accepts....shyly....but knowing she is in a position of power....
5. small talk ensues.......only up to how much chat time is worth the cost of the aforementioned drink...
6. girl kindly excuses herself....(to the bathroom or to her friends)
7. older man feels jilted and suckered.......once again...

though this kind of stuff has been going on since the greeks invented the gods

My take....I would not have accepted his drink........you should know better by now....a man paying for your drink at a bar requires a quid pro quo situation.

I never buy women drinks at the bar...never have....cause I know the game....and I don't like to be left feeling like a sucker....I would rather order them a drink from my table....to your table....that makes it more interesting.

[Posh]

whoa. that's crazy. well, it couldn't have been dominick strauss-kahn because you said he was attractive!

what did your boyfriend say?

I never told him. He's one of those "crazy Russians" and it isn't worth the hassle. Trust. LOL

Wait a second.....


Dont you normally write in red font?

All joking aside, You definitely are not obligated to said douchebag in this situation. You told him you were engaged, and you came with friends. That right there should have been a stop sign for a guy just looking to score some for the night. Although the gesture of someone buying you a drink is nice, it should by no means make a woman feel obligated to give something in return. You should have threw it on him and said "Fine, have it back" haha thats what my fiance would have most likely done to that jacka$$

Yes, I do normally red font it up but only in replies! LOL

Now, I have to say I didn't get the impression he was trying to just sleep with me because I don't give off the air that that was going to happen. Now I did get the vibe that he was going to feel out the situation and see what would have been possible. Either way, he would have ended up mad and alone.

He may have paid for your drink but what he really wanted was your time

Didn't I give him enough before the drink came? And if I was not with people, I would have stayed more and talked with him. I'm not like some of these stuck up chicks even though I play one on TV. But I couldn't. I was as effervescent as I could be while being courteous to my dining party. I think.

Did he look like Bill Clinton or a Kennedy?

"sexy self"

Not out here! There's one mod who knows what I look like and, of course, the site owner. I trust them because I love them. Other than that, I like my privacy. Someday, Robert, somebody . . .

He thought he was being cool.

You had no reason to feel obligated for the very reasons you list.

He is fortunate that someone didn't take exception to his exclamation and provide him with a more lasting souvenir of his visit.

That's a shame because he failed. LOL And that's true.

I am so sorry... That was YOU?

I was a little drunk, Ruby Tuesday bar kicked me out so I went to the Bistro.

Most gracious apologies.

And next time you buy me a drink, you better slip a roofie in it! I like to black out after a good meal! *Pssst* Call me!

his own fault for not doing the necessary research. he didnt even ask if you were waiting for someone or with anyone. pretty pretentious move on his part.

Oh, I did him one better. I told him from the beginning, before he even bought it! It was just in the course of conversation. And I'm sure he heard me. I don't think I was rude at all. I even said sorry. Maybe I should have tossed it on like Ryan's fiance!

[crossbones]

I have a friend that acts like that with random women....

SO FREAKING ANNOYING!

I mean seriously man, what do you expect?









JAY-Z said it best...


"You can pay for school but you cant buy class"

[Brobert]

Not out here! There's one mod who knows what I look like and, of course, the site owner.

Glance over to the left under my user name.

[Jennerate]

assasi9, since when do you need a husband to get you a drink in a restaurant? this isn't a stadium where there are thousands of people all over the place. it's just a restaurant! i wouldn't think less of my husband especially if i made the decision on my own to go a few steps away to get something to drink.

what next? have him get me drink of water when i'm standing right next to a water cooler? lol

[assasi9]

assasi9, since when do you need a husband to get you a drink in a restaurant? this isn't a stadium where there are thousands of people all over the place. it's just a restaurant! i wouldn't think less of my husband especially if i made the decision on my own to go a few steps away to get something to drink.

what next? have him get me drink of water when i'm standing right next to a water cooler? lol

that is entirely not what i am suggesting.

[Posh]

LOL....

1. girl shows up to the bar....subtlety projecting her sexiness...
2. older man falls for trap to hit up a conversation...
3. older man offers to buy a drink.....sucker as always
4. girl accepts....shyly....but knowing she is in a position of power....
5. small talk ensues.......only up to how much chat time is worth the cost of the aforementioned drink...
6. girl kindly excuses herself....(to the bathroom or to her friends)
7. older man feels jilted and suckered.......once again...

though this kind of stuff has been going on since the greeks invented the gods

My take....I would not have accepted his drink........you should know better by now....a man paying for your drink at a bar requires a quid pro quo situation.

I never buy women drinks at the bar...never have....cause I know the game....and I don't like to be left feeling like a sucker....I would rather order them a drink from my table....to your table....that makes it more interesting.

Now, come on! I did not do him like that. And, to be perfectly honest, if a woman had offered me the drink, I would've taken it. That's neither here nor there but it's true.

He never gave me any indication he was going switch like that. He seemed nice and up until he bought it, which I never asked him to do or gave any indication that he should or I wanted that, he was very pleasant. It was nice to chat while waiting for all the other people that came first got served. I would have gladly bought him a drink if I had stayed but clearly me staying to talk to him wasn't going to happen. I thought the drink was a nice gesture not a ploy to get something more from me. Am I looking at this the wrong way?

so let me get this straight, you go to a dinner with your fiance which you rarely do and upon seating and ordering he sends you downstairs to get your own drink at a busy bar? in my opinion the guy without manners in this scenario is seated at your table. and for future reference, as if you didn't know this, if you don't want any unwelcome advances don't accept drinks from men at a bar!

It's a small restaurant and I was already on my way to bathroom (I have a bladder the size of a grape). But I get where you're coming from, Assasi. I really don't require that my man do everything for me, just what's gentlemanly.

And sending me the drink to our table, wouldn't have worked out well. I did not feel like explaining that!

I have a friend that acts like that with random women....

SO FREAKING ANNOYING!

I mean seriously man, what do you expect?









JAY-Z said it best...


"You can pay for school but you cant buy class"

You need to stop. Just buy the drink and move on, Bones. Wait, you said your "friend," right? Okay! Tell the friend to stop. If he buys it and moves on, it make gets us intrigued. We expect guys to act like the guy I met last night. It's refreshing when they don't!

Glance over to the left under my user name.

Wait, I thought that was James because that's who i meant. Oh, gosh. I think I slept with the wrong guy again. This is why I didn't get backstage at the last U2 concert. Poor judgment!

[TimemiT]

Never assume a man's intention.....then again....I'm wrong.....men...we are mostly predictable...primal...easy to dissect and anticipate.

Maybe your friendliness was misinterpreted?....then again...maybe subconsciously, your instinct took over....you noticed a glance from a single man who was seated at an easy access to the bar....your ultimate goal was to get a drink. Cause and effect. Your glance or your standing behind him caused a cascade of events that led to him buying you a drink. Then your action of leaving him caused his outburst!

I wouldn't worry about it too much....Helen of Troy did a greater amount of damage...

Now, come on! I did not do him like that. And, to be perfectly honest, if a woman had offered me the drink, I would've taken it. That's neither here nor there but it's true.

He never gave me any indication he was going switch like that. He seemed nice and up until he bought it, which I never asked him to do or gave any indication that he should or I wanted that, he was very pleasant. It was nice to chat while waiting for all the other people that came first got served. I would have gladly bought him a drink if I had stayed but clearly me staying to talk to him wasn't going to happen. I thought the drink was a nice gesture not a ploy to get something more from me. Am I looking at this the wrong way?

[aksingh]

Posh, I am afraid the guy was ABSOLUTELY right. He paid for your time. Now that means that until you finish your drink or at least for 5 minutes after getting it you are obliged to talk to him. If you want to go immediately then NEVER take a free drink from a guy. To just go off straight after is uncivilised and rude and gives women a rep for being users and some men start getting very sinister ideas about ALL women. So do yourself and women everywhere a favour and do the right thing next time.

[vwturbo]

ok my point of view as guy.
you went wrong by taking that drink ...

if your with someone else do not take drinks from someone else.
guys buy women drinks so they can talk to them while they drink it. nothing else is expected from the drink except a talk, which THEN the talk can lead to something else.

If my girlfriend took a drink from someone else while i was with her ... id be very upset with her, I find that very wrong

I dont think the guy did anything wrong.

[TimemiT]

That brings up a point......how much was the glass of Champagne that he picked up?

[SatansPants]

so let me get this straight, you go to a dinner with your fiance which you rarely do and upon seating and ordering he sends you downstairs to get your own drink at a busy bar? in my opinion the guy without manners in this scenario is seated at your table. and for future reference, as if you didn't know this, if you don't want any unwelcome advances don't accept drinks from men at a bar!

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