Endless Love: Marriage dead? Why?

[Posh]

Thank you, Dr. Laura!

I am a HUGE Dr. Laura fan. I even got a signed copy of Woman Power when she came to Towson with her one-woman show. My parents listened to her all while I was growing up and I listen to her now. At the end day, no matter what, this woman makes sense and is just plain right. That's how I feel. I have some of her books (I DO recommend The Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives and Stop Whining, Start Living, and listen to her via Podcast. The funny thing about this is my mom likes her but can't really say so around certain colleagues because she's a polarizing figure. Likewise with certain ones of my friends. But I know good sense when I hear it and heed her advice. Someday, I will be my kids' mom.

I also got her book The Ten Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships. That was an eye opener because I found out I was doing those things and didn't even realize it, sabotaging my own relationship. The things I didn't quite understand when heard her show as a kid, I thoroughly understand now.

As far as people's thoughts on Dr. Laura, some people think women are supposed to be weak, opinionless, inarticulate, stupid, seen and not heard. And if a woman challenges these stereotypes and societal "norms," she risks getting attacked for it. Everytime. Even online.

I was the one who posted the infamous link to the NoMarriage.com website, and my case is quite enigmatic, to say the least. Last November, my parents celebrated their golden (50th!) anniversary. It was a good for me and my whole family to witness together, as my mother was crying profusely. Ironically, despite coming from a family whose parents have been married for fifty years, my view of marriage is more realistic than idealistic.

Posh may chronicle her parents' thirty-five years of blissful moments when together in holy matrimony. That was wonderful to read, yes, but we need to realize here is that we must first understand the lens through which we are seeing these memorable moments. In fairness, we can account for the divorced men who would be more than willing to share with us their miserable moments of being together with their wives. NoMarriage.com is a misogynist litany of the evils of women, and justifiably so because their inherent messages stem from the pain of direct experience. Just as Posh may cherish the positive experiences while simultaneously looking away from the negative experiences from a 35-year marriage, the men behind NoMarriage.com have every right to ignore those positive experiences and dwell on the negative because, with due respect to these hurt men, their pain from negative experiences discount the positive ones, and their pain is very real. We must not only look at the message, but the messenger as well. Examine the lens through which we are seeing what is projected before us. From which frame of reference are we reading these accounts, and what are the intentions and ideals from each author? As some obsequious and overly-idealistic romantic fools impose their dogma upon us because they cling too zealously to their ideals of marriage, we cannot lose sight of the other side of the coin and heed advice from divorced men whose coffers have been emptied.

Should we go ahead and marry for the sake of marrying just because someone dogmatically asserts the virtues of marriage, or should we be more cautious and self-protective when others warn us of its potential evils? I am more of a moderate, but generally I tend to lean toward the latter because in my experiences I, along with many other men, have witnessed episodes that corroborate with the poignant themes of NoMarriage.com. Make no mistake, men: there are many selfish women out there, as millions of divorced men will attest. Of course, one may use my own argument and say that my own lens should be examined, but I will retort that "money talks and bull**** walks." When a divorced man shares with you his pain of paying $5000/month in spousal support, that pain is very real. The whole NoMarriage.com site is a compilation of rants that readers can feel the pain of failed marriages resonating throughout the website. One of my friends is a successful dentist, but after his divorce he pays $85,000/year to his wife. O.J. Simpson had to pay his ex-wife Nicole over $10,000/month in spousal support, and an alimony payment like that would drive some men to kill their ex-wives.

For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live....

These are perhaps the most important declarations one will vow during a marriage ceremony, but realize that it is an ideal that can only be achieved through sincere and unselfish intentions as well as mutual respect.

Proceed with caution, guys--and watch your wallets!

The Emperor has spoken.

Like I said, I have seen my parents go through things but come through them, together. It's wasn't always blissful. Marriage, like anything, takes some effort. My mom said, "We didn't always LIKE each other, but we always loved each other." That has really stuck in my head. It's really so simple. We don't like people, but there are other things to really consider in equation, like love, respect, shared values, character and all that other stuff that makes a successful relationship really work.

But it's also all about selecting the proper person. People these days, from what I see, do NOT take the time to evaluate the suitability of a person for a long-term relationship.

These guys at No Marriage should read probably read The Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives. If it's packed with half the information in Ten Stupid Things Women Do, most of their problems should be on the way to being solved.

[mingus2112]

My mom said, "We didn't always LIKE each other, but we always loved each other."

My grandfather always said that about him and my grandmother. When he had all of his heart issues back in the mid '80s, my grandmother never left his side. When my grandmother got cancer and eventually died in the early 90s, HE never left HER side. After her death I really met a different man. I've never seen someone so devastated. Keep in mind that these people knew eachother for about a month before they got married.

When I looked to my parents, I always saw two people without much in common. My mother likes to travel and my father just liked to stay in. My mother loved to play golf and my dad liked to watch TV. My dad just died this past June from Leukemia. It was a year and a half long battle in which my mother had to drive him 80 miles to the hospital 3 to 5 times a week. THAT's love. Sure they could still have that relationship without marriage, but marriage is a statement of that love that they wanted to make.

I've been with my wife since March of 1999 (she was 18 at the time and I was 20) and we just got married this past October. Her sister said it the best in her maid of honor speech when she said: "I've never known two people who can be together for so long and STILL be so excited to see eachother." Sure, we'd have that without marriage, but what an exciting process it was to go through! We had a party with our friends and family. . .honeymoon in Italy. . .she now carries my last name (which she had been practicing writing for years!). It was just an exciting thing to go through. Sure, it's not for everyone, but it certainly hasn't failed.

Perhaps what has to happen is change. 50 years ago people got married without thinking things through and then just stuck through it. Sure, marriage will be hard sometimes, but you can make it easier by being sure you're with the one who you want to be with. My wife and I pretty much grew up together since we got together so young, so we're closer than most.

LAST THING. . .
Why does there always have to be a tangent when god is mentioned? I think Posh did just fine in stating what works for her and even saying "it's not for everyone."

-J